Adoptive parents might say things such as,
“We’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
“You have nothing to worry about. We are your forever family.”
“You can trust us.”
“You can talk to us. We love you!”
These statements are often comforting and encouraging.
That is, until the teen years.
When the teen years hit, parents’ attempts to reassure and comfort don’t go well. Quite the opposite, unfortunately.
Example:
Let’s say that your adopted teen who has a learning disability who is struggling with his homework.
Teen – I can’t do this! I’m going to fail this class. In fact, I’m such an idiot!
Parent – Sweetie! No, you’re not. You’re incredibly smart. Remember what your teacher said? You just have a different way of learning.
Teen – Come on, Mom. Give me a break. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You got straight A’s your entire life, remember?
Parent – Listen, your dad and I have always told you – we don’t care about your grades. We just care about the effort you’re putting in. Just try your best! You can do it!
Teen throws his homework all over the room and storms upstairs.
Have you ever had a conversation like this with your teen? It’s so frustrating, discouraging!
What happened? There’s a lot going on, but one is that in an effort to reassure, the parent continually disagrees with the teen. She disagrees that he’s dumb and she disagrees that his grades matter. The teen ends up feeling misunderstood, patronized, disempowered and more alone.
Is there anything that the parent could have done differently? Nothing is guaranteed, of course. But, let’s look at another option.
Alternative Conversation
Teen – I can’t do this! I’m going to fail this class. In fact, I’m such an idiot!
Parent – What are you working on?
Teen – This chem lab. I don’t understand any of it!
Parent – Oh my gosh, yeah. That stuff can be really hard. That’s a lot.
Teen – Seriously, I’m going to fail this class.
Parent – Of course, yeah, you don’t want to fail, if at all possible. For now, when you find a way to get back to it, you can work through where you got stuck.
Teen – I’ll never figure this out!
Parent – Yeah, it’s a lot! High school is a grind, sometimes.
Now, this may seem unrealistic, but I assure you, it’s not! In this example, the parent did not get into a debate. She validated his assertion that grades were important, and that it can be discouraging. She was there for him in a way that had potential for him to ultimately feel empowered.
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