As adults, we know that our hardest times are also when we’ve learned and matured the most. Synthesizing the past is important to our sense of identity and ability to move forward.

Your kids have already been through a lot – losses, mental health crises, social stress, academic failure, and of course, the context surrounding their adoption. But, whatever happened was a significant aspect of their lives but doesn’t define their lives. Although we don’t want to push or insist, we do want to open the door to talk more, then or later.

How do we talk about the past? I know that I’ve said that questions aren’t always the way to go, but there are times when they’re useful! Here are some examples of how to initiate conversation.

How do you look back on that time? Sometimes we find ourselves assuming too much, in part because we don’t get needed information from them. This kind of question allows enough openness for the adoptee but still directs it so as not to be overwhelming. Another version of this question is, what do you remember from that time?

What stays with you? This is more of a feelings question without putting too much of a spotlight on them. Again, we’re giving them control over how much or little they share, and suggesting that their experience matters more than our opinion in that moment. Teens can sometimes get the sense that we ask questions so that we can share our perspective, not hear theirs. This is the opposite message.

How much do you think about what happened? Or, is that something that is on your mind a lot these days?” This question gets to how much or little it haunts/scares/empowers them. This can be helpful when addressing current issues. For example, let’s say I have a someone who was in a deep depression last fall and this fall is now struggling. If I ask how much he thinks about last fall and he says, “I think about it all the time,” I can utilize it to know potentially what we can learn from it – patterns, themes, successes, disappointments, etc.

Let’s say you approach them and they minimize it, saying, “It was not a big thing,” or “I don’t think about it at all,” how should you respond?

You might say something like, “Somehow I feel like there’s more to say about this… maybe we could circle back to it sometime.” Note that you’re not exactly asking, just letting them know that the invitation is there.

What if they say, “I wasted a whole year!” or something like that? Try not to get into a power struggle. Our message is, “It didn’t go as you would have expected/wanted/needed. You know yourself in a different way now, but you had to learn it the hard way.”

“It’s really hard to accept.”

Of course, it’s not the past itself, it’s our relationship with it that we can change. We’re encouraging acceptance by empathizing with them. That way, if and when they do come to accept it, it comes from them, not us.

This may seem pretty detailed analysis for a simple everyday discussion about the past, but the words we choose can make all the difference.

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The holidays can be one of the happiest and saddest times of the year. In fact, they can often be more difficult than we could have even imagined. Holidays are a bookmark in time. We can remember past Christmas’s or Hannukkah’s – what was going on in our lives, how much or little we were struggling…if we felt lost, alone and hopeless, we remember that, too. We also remember not knowing what to say when our well-intentioned relatives ask, “What have you been up to, lately?” What we didn’t say, despite wanting or needing to, often loom just as large as the words we spoke.

And, when things were or are at their worst, we struggle to figure out who to talk to, what to say, and may even question whether it’s worth bringing up. After all, it’s never easy to talk about, even with someone you love, trust, or trained.

But, the truth is, many of us think about life and death all the time, right? Suicidality is just one aspect of a running stream of consciousness in our minds. Our story was one of life and death. We were separated from our birth parent, a high-risk situation. We had another chance, at a good life and a family that became our own. But, in my work with adoptees, I’ve heard the refrain, “I could have died. I was lucky.” Lucky… to have survived? Imagine one’s first story being one of luck, just to have made it this far. Death has been inextricably intertwined with life from the beginning.

So, when we’re at our worst, our lowest point, maybe our loneliest, we’re faced with the decision, our challenge is not just to avoid death again and again, as we did those many years ago, in the beginning. No, our challenge is to choose to life, not death, again and again. To choose to live is active, engaged, deliberate.

Of those who jumped off the San Francisco bridge and survived (2%), they all reported that they regretted it as soon as their feet left the bridge. When we’re at our worst, sometimes choosing life is enough.

Conversation Starters

If you have a teen, starting the conversation is half the battle.

Often, when the topic of “connecting conversations” comes up, adoptive parents will remark, “Conversation?! He doesn’t even say two words to me!”

So, how do you start the conversation?

One of the first tips that I suggest adoptive parents is to not ask questions.

When we ask questions, adopted teens can feel pressured, spotlighted, judged and misunderstood.

But, there are other alternatives!

1. I was just thinking about you!
2. I was trying to figure out what you meant when you said…
3. I would imagine that it’s hard to…
4. I wondered how it went today!
5. “I didn’t know if you…”
6. “I wasn’t sure if you were still upset about what happened yesterday.”

These are helpful starters to try when you’re trying to get answers or information.

But, if you’d like to invite them to share something regarding their emotional experience, sharing with them about your own experience might pave the way. I’m not suggesting that you bare your soul, more that you share something general about the topic that’s on your mind.

For example, not all but many adoptees think about their birth mother or parent on their birthday. Not surprising, I guess! But, instead of asking, “Are you thinking about your birth parent today?” you could say, “You know, on your birthday, I often think about your birth parent!” Your chances are higher that they’ll respond, and even when they don’t, it’ll pave the way for discussions down the road.

In my work with adoptive families, I strive to help adoptees to feel empowered and optimistic about their future and connected for the long haul. But, there’s something else.

Authenticity.

What does that mean in my work with adoptees? I mean that they’re not trying to be something or someone they’re not. You might wonder, isn’t this everyone’s challenge? Is this really an adoption issue?

Yes, it’s everyone’s challenge, but for adopted teens, it’s huge. As you may know, I conceptualize the adoption story as one of survival. Adoptees survived difficult beginnings. They didn’t have the undying protection and care that they needed and deserved. Like many with risky lives, adopted teens have talked with me about being “lucky” to have survived, or to have had a second chance at a life and a family. Each adoptee is different in the way that they respond, based on countless factors, of course. But, some go into “strategy” mode without even realizing it.

The strategy is – if I can be liked by everyone, I’m less likely to be alone, abandoned and at risk, again. If I can be perfect in school and at home, then it was be perfectly clear to all how valuable and deserving I am of this life, despite my rocky beginnings/background/genetic predisposition.

How is this especially relevant to adopted teens?

Identity.

To be authentic, it helps to know yourself! That’s easier said than done, especially for adopted teens. They’re not just facing who they are, but also who they might be in the future. What is their potential. Who do they want to be. Is that even possible or realistic?

Sometimes adoptees pretend that they have no needs, that they’re so easy to love, to be with. Having needs feels demanding, entitled. When, really, it’s just human!

It can be sort of subtle! I remember doing a phone consultation with a young adult adoptee. She talked about how she constantly needs to please everybody and be what she believes that they need her to be. Then she said, “I’m doing it right now!”

Authenticity. It’s elusive, but possible, and a great goal for adoptees to explore. “Is this really what I’m feeling? Am I telling them what I actually think, or what I think they want to hear? Am I trying to be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend and not make waves, when really, I’m unhappy?”

Being authentic is empowering.

(Disclaimer: This is a general opinion piece. Just had to get it off my chest! To learn more about mental health and adoption, check out my book.)

I decided to watch ’13 Reasons Why’  after hearing from parents of teens I was working with that their teen wanted to or had already watched it. Some saw bits and pieces, often the bits that were the most graphic, disturbing and controversial. Parents were scared about what this could do to their teen. After all, their teens were already emotionally vulnerable, which is why they were seeing me for therapy in the first place.

HOLLYWOOD

The plot seems absurd, contrived and glamorous. Certainly, there has been much uproar about the showing of how the character, Hannah, killed herself. Depicting details of how a suicide unfolds raises suicide risk. This is well-documented. Also, the absence of mental health was bizarre given that research suggests that around 90% of those who die from suicide had a diagnosable mental disorder.

IRRESPONSIBLE

Clearly, the goal of the show was to expose the issues, not to educate, or model how things could be different or better. In my opinion, this is irresponsible! Many have commented on the fact that the adults in the show were utterly useless, incompetent and in some ways, harmful. Having adults depicted in this manner undermines our message as parents, teachers, caretakers, to tell someone, preferably an adult.

WHAT THEY COULD HAVE DONE BETTER

There are many ways the show could have at least tried to mitigate these issues. Along with the warning about graphic material, they could have also included a reminder that this is fictional, not related to anyone in real life. They could have edited it differently so that it would be easier to avoid the graphic scenes. And, they could have stated an age limit such as 13 with parent’s permission, as they do with movies. I’m not saying that some tweens wouldn’t still watch it, but at least the message would be clear. I’m especially upset about tweens and teens who haven’t had sex yet. To have this be their first exposure to it is inappropriate.

TRUTHS

Although there was much in the series that was distorted, there were also some truths in it. For example, although they distorted parent’s obliviousness, you’d be surprised at just how little teens tell their parents about their lives. Not to be overly dramatic, but often what teens tell parents is just the tip of the iceberg. The series captured this piece. The other thing it is captured, is how fast everything goes in high school. It’s so fast. The rumors, the bullying, the grades, the cliques, the drugs, etc. It’s all just whizzing by. It’s hard for them, let alone for us, to keep track. It really is a storm.

“REASONS”

I recently attended a forum in my town in which there was a discussion about this series. One of the members of the panel was a high schooler. She said (paraphrasing), “Hannah had 13 reasons that she killed herself, but in reality, you might have 5 reasons, or 1 reason, or no reason.” It’s almost easier for teens to be depressed when there’s a clear precipitant – their father died, or their parents got divorced, or abandonment issues, etc. That’s hard and really painful. But, it can be just as hard and even sometimes harder to not have a reason at all. Sometimes you can have a great life, lots of friends, sports, good grades, tons of future potential, great family, and still want to kill yourself. When adults keep asking, why, why, it can just make them feel more guilty. Perhaps it’s a genetic predisposition to depression, which often comes to fruition in the teen years. Maybe they don’t have a “good” reason. And, if that’s the case, badgering them to figure it out will just make them feel more guilty.

REGRET

One of the other things that the show missed was the common experience of regret. Often those who attempt suicide experience regret at the last minute, which Hannah seemingly did not. Kevin Briggs wrote a book, “Guardian of the Golden Gate – Protecting the Line Between Hope and Despair.” His job was to try to prevent people from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. In his foreword, “Most people who commit suicide don’t actually want to die. The few who have survived the 220 foot fall from the Golden Gate Bridge all agree that the moment they let go of the railing, they wanted to live.”

OPPORTUNITY FOR CONVERSATION

Although the series did not necessarily move the conversation forward about mental health, it did provide a way to talk about suicide, rape and other taboo, upsetting issues that happen too much. Often, teens watch stuff that we as adults aren’t privy too. We don’t have to depend on their report of whatever is going on. We can see it for ourselves and speak in a thoughtful, connected, informed way.